finally...here and now

lessons i learned from the buddha:

1) life is suffering
2) acknowledge impermenance
3) on what i do now depends my happiness and misery

when i was 20, long before i would ever claim to be a buddhist, i did aspire to be one thing: a public defender. no, not a prosecutor, as i have had to explain the difference to my friends and family. public defenders represent people charged with a crime who cannot afford an attorney. to which i am often met with a blank stare, a fake smile, asked "why do you want to represent 'those criminals'?" or some other relentless series of questions of why, why, why...

but this post is not about answering the why. it is about feeling content that it all will work out. when i was 20 i realized i wanted to be somebody. and now, close to 15 years later, an undergraduate degree, a law degree, many ups and downs, i have finally been offered a position as a public defender.

i haven't started my dream job yet, so it does not quite feel "real," but looking back at my journey to this point i realize i wasn't ready for my dream job until now. not too long ago i was still searching, searching, searching for meaning, for "a break," for something. then my life got rocked and i lost someone dear. loss. it will teach you what you do, in fact have. you have the here and now.

it took time for me to accept that all i have is the here and now. this moment. but when i accepted that there are some things that i may not have, i may not have now, i may not ever have, i learned to be ok with it, and then i got what i wanted. but as i learned with lesson number two up at the top, even though i got what i wanted, i accept that i might not always have it. and that is ok. i am just grateful for the opportunity. i want to take each day and make the most out of it. starting with here and now.

xoxo

Spring O-Higan

today is the celebration of the spring o-higan, the spring equinox. there was a nice service this morning during which i read the 6 paramitas. they are:
1. dana - generosity
2. sila - morality
3. kshanti - forbearance
4. virya - perserverance
5. dhyana - meditation
6. prajna - wisdom.

wisdom is the most important and will come from practicing the other 5 paramitas.

hubby remarked, as we often notice, that there are similarities between the buddhist ceremonies and native american ceremonies. today during the o-higan service the altar was decorated with flowers, as usual, but also with fruits and small cakes. setting out food during ceremonies is common in native american ceremonies.

small similarities like this have made it easy for me to practice buddhism. i was raised christian and attended baptist churches. but my mom and grandma always taught me small tidbits about our people's ways. so when i see the same symbols, it is familiar and it is comforting.

we are approaching a year on my grandma's passing. buddhists have a one year memorial just as we will have one for grandma. this too is comforting. i miss her greatly and listen for her voice and her presence when i am quiet and still.

things are right for me now. i feel a calmness i have not felt in a long time. i am thankful for my grandma's life, for the lessons she taught me and i hope that one day, i will be remembered as she is, as a woman who loved her family above all else.

I caught Grandma taking a nap during one of our day long family gatherings. She took little cat naps. I loved it.

lessons in certainty...the uncertain

day 6 of unemployment: today i am making a vegan creamy potato soup. potato soup and the rain are the only certain things for today.

every week hubs and i go to sutra study on wednesday night and every week i am challenged. each week the teachings touch on something i am dealing with. last night we talked about attachment and desire for certainty. obvi what i'm dealing with now is my unemployment/underemployment. currently i am unemployed, but i know soon another project will come along. but the big picture is i am underemployed. and that is the part that is so hard to accept. i admitted last night that i am angry. i feel like i deserve to have a permanent position where i can get on with my career and have the financial ability to buy a home or start a family.

as i said this very thing out loud, i was then reminded that even if i had that position there is no guarantee i wouldn't be fired, laid off, transferred or that i am even physically able to have a baby. and i had to admit that i recently had a conversation with my hubby's uncle who said in all his years, even he is waiting for his life to settle down.

so i learned my lesson that there is no certainty in life. and waiting for that perfect job to live my life is foolish.

in the meantime, as always, i am grateful for what i have today, this moment. i have my health. i have a roof over my head to keep me warm from the slushy rain and snow that has been coming down all day. i have some yummy smelling potato soup on the stove to warm my belly later. i have my wonderful hubby who encourages me and loves me.

i am also very thankful i live in such a cool city that i get to go to the art museum and admire amazing art (for free if you are an Illinois resident!). here are some pics i took in my "Ferris Beuller's day off" adventure. Sans Cubs game, sans Ferrari.

starting out with some impressionists...

Eve. she doesn't look so bad!

 Moving on to the Modern wing of the Art Institute of Chicago. Opened in 2009.

i love shit like this - interactive, meaningful and fun

yes, i ate a piece. a carefully selected red candy. tasted like cherry.

Jackson Pollock

Mao wearing blue eyeshadow. Andy Warhol.

Ha!

Back to the ancient stuff...

Who knew the creature from Where The Wild Things Are existed in 8th century Asia?

Dragon!

proof that my dog is an ancient breed of chubbylapdogness

New Year, New Me!

I'm sure you're snarkily commenting to yourself, "New Year? it's February." Yes. I know. February. It is well past time to say "new year" but alas, I am late. Oh, well.

It IS a new me. I can say so with confidence because I am currently on Day 4 of being unemployed and having a fabulous time! Last year I could barely make it to Day 2 without having a nervous breakdown.

For those of you who may have just stumbled upon this blog and maybe you are once again snarkily commenting to yourself "Day 4? Whoop-di-do," here's a "previously on..."  I'm a contract attorney. I work on temporary assignments. Sometimes they last for a week, sometimes months. But when I was new to this, I was in a bad place in my life and NEEDED certainty from a job. So when a day or two would pass and I wasn't already lined up for a project, I'd freak out.

Today is Day 4 and there is nothing lined up. Except for a visit to the museum tomorrow because a) I'm unemployed and have nothing better to do, 2) it's free, so why not, and C) it's hubby's day off and we rarely do stuff like that, so why not.

So what's changed? My outlook on life. Cliche. But true. I recently re-discovered Buddhism and it has changed everything for me. I am excited about learning about the teachings, the sutras. I try to apply them to my everyday life, not just my Sundays. It's hard sometimes, being a lawyer and a Buddhist. But I'm always searching for balance in that part of my life.

Mostly I am just grateful for what I have today, this moment. Today I have these beautiful golden beets that I roasted for what I hope to be a lovely beet and hummus stuffed pita dinner. Aren't they beautiful?

Roasted beets:

4 medium to large sized beets
coconut oil
dried thyme

pre-heat oven to 425 degrees
wash beets
pat dry
cut enough foil for each beet
put a small dab (1/2 tsp maybe?) of coconut oil on each beet
sprinkle dried thyme on beet and wrap beet in foil
place the beets on a baking sheet
bake in oven about an hour and a half, checking with a toothpick. toothpick should easily slide in and out of beet.
while beets are still warm but cool enough to handle the skin should easily peel off.

i will be making beet and hummus pitas with some greenery and balsamic vinegar. Enjoy!

Decisions, decisions, part 2

Ok, it has been awhile since I've written, but there have been a lot of things happening in my life. Small things, small changes. Most of them are on the inside, how I think, how I am trying to change the way I view my life. These small changes are adding up.

The first thing that happened was I made a choice. I've said it before. I wake up every day and decide to be happy and decide to have peace in my life. I (try) to think positive thoughts and act in positive ways and as a result I am attracting positive things. I am also trying to be as grateful as I can  for who and what I have in my life. This is a change in the way I used to think, which was a focus on what I thought I lacked in life: a better career, financial ability to buy a house and start a family. Instead I am thankful for steady, temporary work, our awesome apartment and the family and friends that are in my life right now. Right now, all I ask for is for happiness and prosperity.

We are still very much in debt and probably always will be due to my student loans. I used to worry that we would never be able to afford a house or a family or to travel the world like we want to. What silliness to worry over. What a waste of my energy. I have asked for prosperity and slowly but surely we have found financial stability. Bit by bit, we are paying off some of the debt that we recently incurred over the past few years. I just crossed off a huge debt from my "owe" column and it felt awesome. This was a debt that I had been worrying about for about 6 months. But since my change in attitude, I found ways to save up and last week I wrote that check. The funny thing is, neither me or my hubby have been working extra to save up and we weren't going without anything either. The money just seemed to be in our account after about six weeks. I asked for prosperity and we are being given what we ask for.

I will also say that both hubby and I are on a bit of a spiritual journey. This past year was a tough year for us. I had a job that I absolutely loathed and it took me a while to have the courage to leave. Right after I made that choice, my grandmother passed away. Both of us have sisters who are very ill. All of this culminated with us having a lot of questions about what do we believe about life, who are we as human beings and questioning what we believe about God. We decided to attend a Buddhist temple in our neighborhood and on Saturday mornings I am taking an introductory class. I am also reading a lot of different material on living a simple life, including a book a friend gave me as a birthday gift, Choosing Simplicity. I feel at peace and most days I have an inner joy that I haven't had in a very long time. That being said, I acknowledge that my spiritual journey is just beginning and the path is narrow.