to whom to i give this thanks?

i have made a conscious effort to live a more grateful life. to focus on the positive things and to be thankful for the things i have. this shift in my attitude has made me a happier person in general and i think has also brought people, things and opportunities into my life that might not have happened if i had a different attitude.

case in point, i have finally landed my dream job. yes, i have been seeking this opportunity for the last several years, but i truly believe that i did not get the job sooner because i did not have the right attitude. i needed to experience what i have over the last two years to prepare me for this job. and now that i have this dream job, i find myself thinking, "wow, i'm so thankful. i'm so grateful." then i immediately wonder, "well, to whom am i thankful?"

growing up in a christian household, the answer to that question would have been, "thank god." (or if it were a jewish or islamic household, the answer would also have been, "thank god." hmm. yeah. what about that?)

that conditioning has left me with a desire to direct my gratitude towards something or someone. it somehow doesn't feel complete for me to just be thankful without there being a recipient of my gratitude.

well, i can certainly thank myself. i worked hard and never gave up. i can thank my husband for supporting me without abandon. i can thank my parents, family and friends for the encouragement. i can thank my mentors and professors for giving me bits of wisdom and confidence. the list can go on and on. and this is where i learn that lesson of oneness. we are all connected. everyone and everything and every experience has brought me to this moment. so i can just be grateful. thank you. xoxo

finally...here and now

lessons i learned from the buddha:

1) life is suffering
2) acknowledge impermenance
3) on what i do now depends my happiness and misery

when i was 20, long before i would ever claim to be a buddhist, i did aspire to be one thing: a public defender. no, not a prosecutor, as i have had to explain the difference to my friends and family. public defenders represent people charged with a crime who cannot afford an attorney. to which i am often met with a blank stare, a fake smile, asked "why do you want to represent 'those criminals'?" or some other relentless series of questions of why, why, why...

but this post is not about answering the why. it is about feeling content that it all will work out. when i was 20 i realized i wanted to be somebody. and now, close to 15 years later, an undergraduate degree, a law degree, many ups and downs, i have finally been offered a position as a public defender.

i haven't started my dream job yet, so it does not quite feel "real," but looking back at my journey to this point i realize i wasn't ready for my dream job until now. not too long ago i was still searching, searching, searching for meaning, for "a break," for something. then my life got rocked and i lost someone dear. loss. it will teach you what you do, in fact have. you have the here and now.

it took time for me to accept that all i have is the here and now. this moment. but when i accepted that there are some things that i may not have, i may not have now, i may not ever have, i learned to be ok with it, and then i got what i wanted. but as i learned with lesson number two up at the top, even though i got what i wanted, i accept that i might not always have it. and that is ok. i am just grateful for the opportunity. i want to take each day and make the most out of it. starting with here and now.

xoxo