Wednesday, May 15, 2013 and now

lessons i learned from the buddha:

1) life is suffering
2) acknowledge impermenance
3) on what i do now depends my happiness and misery

when i was 20, long before i would ever claim to be a buddhist, i did aspire to be one thing: a public defender. no, not a prosecutor, as i have had to explain the difference to my friends and family. public defenders represent people charged with a crime who cannot afford an attorney. to which i am often met with a blank stare, a fake smile, asked "why do you want to represent 'those criminals'?" or some other relentless series of questions of why, why, why...

but this post is not about answering the why. it is about feeling content that it all will work out. when i was 20 i realized i wanted to be somebody. and now, close to 15 years later, an undergraduate degree, a law degree, many ups and downs, i have finally been offered a position as a public defender.

i haven't started my dream job yet, so it does not quite feel "real," but looking back at my journey to this point i realize i wasn't ready for my dream job until now. not too long ago i was still searching, searching, searching for meaning, for "a break," for something. then my life got rocked and i lost someone dear. loss. it will teach you what you do, in fact have. you have the here and now.

it took time for me to accept that all i have is the here and now. this moment. but when i accepted that there are some things that i may not have, i may not have now, i may not ever have, i learned to be ok with it, and then i got what i wanted. but as i learned with lesson number two up at the top, even though i got what i wanted, i accept that i might not always have it. and that is ok. i am just grateful for the opportunity. i want to take each day and make the most out of it. starting with here and now.


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